In 10 days I will have the last dose of Cisplatin – the chemotherapy that has been giving me a rough time since December when I had my first dose. Cisplatin, or Sicksplatin as I have been referring to it, and I, have a love-hate relationship. I love it because it is part of the treatment that has shrunk my 10cm x 5cm tumour to 3cm x 2cm… but I hate it because it sent me spinning through some really dark times while its side-effects judo chopped my whole mind and body around my bedroom for 5 days at a time.
Why am I stopping it if it is working? I don’t have a choice. The stuff is so toxic to my body that I can’t physically have any more of it. The effects on my organs – and my ears, oddly enough – means that it is limited to X amount of doses. I think I will have had 6 in total. Scary to think that this thing that has helped ‘save me’ is also something that has the potential to destroy me – or damage me considerably, at least.
What does stopping this chemo mean for me? Well, I guess only time will tell. Ironically, even stopping it leaves me with conflicted thoughts on the topic. On one side I am thrilled I won’t need to struggle through nausea for days on end… but on the other, more serious side, yeah, I am pretty petrified that the cancer grows back. I am on a combination of 2 chemo’s at the moment, one which kills the cancer cells (cisplatin) and one that stops cancer cells reforming (gemzar)… what happens if it is the cisplatin that has been doing all the hard work, shrinking my tumour, clearing my lungs.
It’s a scary thing to think about.
I can feel that even though I don’t want to think about it – it has a way of creeping into my mind. I’ve been getting really tired lately, like falling asleep by 7h30PM tired – my mind spins instantly to something must be wrong. In the mornings, now that it is getting cooler, my chest has been a tiny bit tight ; something that for me, an asthmatic, is completely normal for this time of year, but instantly my mind wonders what is going on inside my lungs, even though I haven’t needed to use an inhaler for months. Each time I have a cup of tea, I wonder if the tea spoon or two of sugar I add to it, is doing more damage than I know. This past week I didn’t eat as healthy as I should have, eating main meals during lunch at the work canteen and letting dinner be just a slice of toast or cereal. Each time, the following day I wonder what damage I have done to my body. How can my body be fighting off cancer if I am not putting in to it the rocket fuel it needs.
The mind can be evil when it wants to be.
But the mind can be the total opposite, when it needs to be, too. Despite my week of unhealthy eating, I have been feeling happier and (honestly) healthier than I have felt in a few years. The friends I see tell me how well I look, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that out from absolute nowhere and at a time when I was completely not expecting to- I met someone. Well, I ‘re-met’ someone whom I first met 3 years ago at a best friends’ wedding.
We started talking again in December when I got really sick and decided to meet up- to take a timeout from life and to settle the dust of the past. It turned in to more. It turned in to something I could never have imagined in, well, in this situation. Take a step back and think of all of this from my perspective. When my last relationship ended I was convinced that I would never meet anyone ever again, not because I don’t get out and not because I didn’t want to, but because firstly, I have Stage IV metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my lungs (not something every girl you meet, has) also just getting me out from behind the 10ft wall I have built around me could be impossible for said suitor. I believed that even if someone managed to get me to let them in, I have such hang ups about my scars and the way that my body now looks and feels, I was convinced I would never feel pretty or beautiful ever again. Ever again are strong words – and they are no over exaggeration. I had pretty much made peace with it all.
Then this person came around and made me feel everything and more. Why am I going on about this? Because feeling like I do, I feel like I have more reason to fight this stupid cancer that is playing hide-and-go-seek in my body. A month ago, I had my work as a motivating factor, I had Charlie my (most amazing) cat and I had a hundred great memories and experiences from my 31 years here. Now suddenly those hundred things are not enough. I want a hundred more.
Now more than ever I am so conscious of how short life can be- look how quickly my life changed in December, but also look how quickly my life changed 4 weeks ago when this person walked into it again. It has taught me that life is never over… just when I thought my book was written. I have told a few people the full story, and you would be amazed how many have had a tear in their eye. It sounds completely lame, but my story was written- I was behind my own ten foot wall, I had no guaranteed future for anyone to invest in – and now, suddenly, I have a new chance at happiness. Funnily enough, the best thing about being in my situation, and by my situation I refer to the general stats of life expectancy being 3-5 years on average. But the best thing about being me right now? I am not going to waste time faffing around with things that don’t matter. I am not going to get caught up in admin, in stupid emotions or fears or hang ups anymore. There is this one person who makes me happy and to me, for a very long time now, being happy is all that matters. For me – anything less than happiness is a waste of time.
Perhaps that is the silver lining of being in my situation – appreciation of and for happiness.
I think it is one of life’s little cruel lessons – when you have all the time in the world, you waste it and when you have limited time you are desperate for more.
Chemotherapy now is a means to an end, it is now a way for me to have one more day here – and one day is better than no day at this point. I finish one course in 10 days, I am going to keep my mind focused on the happy thoughts of what the next couple months have in store for me, instead of thinking about what could come from the end of this treatment.
This person knows the risks involved in getting close to me, he knows he is in for some tough times (considerably tougher than most would even THINK about getting involved in) but he wants to be next to me while I go through them. And that makes me- even with everything I have going on- the luckiest girl in the world.
Take nothing for granted. Do what you can to be happy x
